“Isn’t it wonderful when you find out your heart is your biggest tool?” said my former colleague, Davida Arnold. My friend had picked up on the awe in my voice as I described my recent revelation that the smallest gesture–a call, a letter, a visit–-could transform someone’s life. Davida and I had been talking about my volunteer work with recently arrived immigrants.
Energized and Deflated
Her words were energizing and deflating at the same time. I realized how little I had valued the gifts of the heart. Smarts, getting stuff done, that’s what I was about. Looking back, my headfirst mode seems inevitable. I came of age in the 70’s and entered the workforce as the second wave of feminism crested into the go-go 80’s. I became a mother in the 90’s at the height of the “Mommy Wars.” I was unambivalent in my decision to return to work in corporate America after my first child. Pursuing a more traditionally female career like teaching, nursing, or social work, would have meant failure to me at that time.
My upbringing also helped mold this mindset. Listening to my mother’s stories, you didn’t need to be a full-blown empath like Startrek’s Deanna Troi to figure out that working was rewarding (the promotions, the basketball team, the friendships) while full-time motherhood was a drag (weeping over the toilet cleaning the diapers of her two young children). And way before Take Your Daughter to Work was a thing, my father brought me to meet a very glamorous female oil analyst who had broken through the glass ceiling at Citibank. I couldn’t wait to get to work!
Warped Sense of Productivity
I developed a very warped sense of productivity, equating friendly workplace interactions with reduced efficiency. During my first summer office job, I mistook my boss’s friendly conversation for a performance test. I worried that if I tried to extend the conversation, would he think I was a shirker, not a worker? Throughout my career, I made good friends at work but was very wary of being perceived as using anything personality related to get ahead. It cut to the core when a boss (not a very good one) insinuated I had been promoted because of my likeability. Didn’t he know I was all about the work!!! Luckily a good friend and mentor kept me from going over the edge (thank you Holly).
Even my volunteer work was headfirst. At church I could be found around a polished board of directors’ table making decisions, not in the kitchen cooking casseroles (even though I loved to cook).
Glimmer of Hope
However, I experienced glimmers of the power of the heart in the workplace. One day, acting on the advice of David Verklin, who was at the time head of the Pfizer’s Media agency, Carat, I decided to pop into people’s offices and chat. I totally enjoyed the experience but of course, worried that there were no concrete deliverables. That is, until my direct reports told me how motivating these little visits had been for their people.
I realize how archaic this must seem in today’s “bring your authentic self to work climate.” But this was the 90’s, almost a full decade before Brené Brown said in her book, Daring Greatly, “What we know matters but who we are matters more.” I spent a lot of time in my corporate job trying to camouflage my authentic self, but luckily, with mixed success. I bet my former workmates remember my outsized laugh more than any particular accomplishment.
I’m sad that I spent so much of my working life in this headfirst mode. It would have been easier on everybody, including myself, if I had allowed my heart to take the lead more. My brittle, accomplishment-based sense of self crumbled a bit every time I ran into the inevitable stumbling blocks of corporate life. It didn’t have to be so hard. So, now, I’ll be bringing more heart to my work, my colleagues, and maybe even a little for myself.
Anyone else have struggling with these head-heart issues? Drop me a line.
